Snark It Up, FuzzBall!

CC’s John C. Fremont (and a few others) noted new law partner Steve Shannon’s ability to wield the Force. It must be a Jedi mind trick, because a Sith wouldn’t be wasting it on something as trivial as golf.

Then again, a Sith might get some sort of sick amusement from toying with Sam and Abbey’s affections…

Then things just zoom right back into our galaxy…or more likely, Salvador Dali or E.M. Escher’s galaxies. A cool one panel that shows the progress of Steve and Sam walking down a hall, there’s still something spooky about seeing the two of them in triplicate.

At least between the book advance babbling and the golf talk, Gloria makes an appearance!

I guess Miss Buxley isn’t a hippie. But she’s an environmentalist and is concerned about the trees. In the original strip (ahem), she’s embracing the tree, telling the General that “It’s a civilian hug.”

Huh?

Okay, this is more crude, but I think it makes a tad more sense. Clean mind, clean body — take your pick.

…until you have firsts!

I cannot resist the impending train-wreck…

And April may not make it to the wedding, but she’s going to go down swinging and fighting!

Does it get any better? Max “the Ax” Mallory, Personal Injury Attorney, realizes that HE might be harboring the MRSA source in his own basement! Screaming at his kid and wife over his cell phone, driving like a nut-case, being seen by Rex (and a cop, too!) — well heck, does it get any better?

You bet! Rex calls Andy! (And no, I didn’t make any of this up — this all happened over the last week of strips. I couldn’t make this sh*t up! But I can embellish it!)

Hmm, well.  The action-packed panels of last week, with Max Mallory breaking several traffic laws while trying his damnedest to have a coronary arrest while he does so brakes to a snail’s pace with more chit-chat between Andy and Rex.  Not that I mind, since I love Andy’s long-suffering stance and comment in Panel 1, and it also showcases Rex’s keen, analytical thinking.

Oh, yeah.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I’ll just go and add a bit here, since Rex’s Big Plan is to do some Junior Detective Work (complete with Dick (snort!) Tracy Crime-Stoppers code ring, no doubt). I’m just waiting, while he and Andy are on the phone, for Mrs. Mallory to spill the beans to the cop, and for a Haz-Mat squad and every last firetruck in Morganville U.S.A. to run over Rex.

I have to admit that Rex skulking around corners has a certain, moronic charm, though, and something Even more unexpected could happen…

You know, I don’t think there’s been an exciting Mary Worth episode since Drew (Man-Whore!) was caught two-timing Vera and Dawn. That was over a year ago. Since then, there’s been sad-sack Drew (Man-whore!) discovering that Vera’s moved on; Mary finds a lost dog and returns it to its owner; and Mary reminisces about her incredibly non-incredible childhood. I wouldn’t mind a serial if there were at least a prize in it (HAR!).

So it seems Ron is a Thing of the Past, and whiny-but-constant Jeff is the once and future platonic boyfriend. Geez, if it were even a little more tepid than what we all think it is, I’d be happy…kinda like this.

Of course, Jeff’s probably Old School Me-Tarzan You-Jane, and for being The Man, Mary’ll probably have to do the compromising. At least she’s got some scruples…

Well, I can sort of call ’em.  Mary and Jeff are reunited! And heavens to Betsy! There’s even an affectionate moment! They touch! Each other!  (Of course, all of us with dirty minds can imagine what goes on after we’ve spent our requisite 30 seconds each day in the Charterstone universe…)

I began reading The Phantom when the “Girls Crash the Jungle Patrol!” story-arc started up. Unfortunately, this quickly devolved in only a half-hearted reading of it because the strip maintains two ongoing story-lines (the weekly and the Sunday), both of them weird. I look at it for Kit’s manly physique.

What a pity he feels the need to wrap it in purple spandex and stripey black-and-turquoise underpants.

So now Kit and Diane are stuck on an abandoned oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. That isn’t all that abandoned. And appears to be on the Mobil 5-Star Oil Rig Resorts list. And has a very well-stocked kitchen (that ain’t no “galley”).

I told you it was weird.

The mashup has just about nothing to do with the original, which was all about wedding plans and flighty wimmen and temper tantrums. (Wow, such insight, LJ!) Assuming that that’s the case, then, what are the guys doing outside?

And then it gets worse!

Sometimes, Mary, it isn’t a good idea to speculate (if you’re a pragmatist) or rhapsodize (if you’re a romantic) about “Where are they now?”…

…as an adult, Jeffy K. is probably still wearing a raincoat. But for different reasons.

So there’s a panel with Dolly proudly announcing to Mommy that she’s gotten Jeffy ready so that he’ll be safe from exposure to the sun. At last — we know where the mythical Keanes live! ON MERCURY!

Of course, this means, Jeffy can obviously jet all over the place…

other places in the galaxy…

…and even other comics universes…