Snark It Up, FuzzBall!

Come on…the hair with a messy center part, the oily smile, the smarmy dialog (not even mine!), the boldly-striped, casual shirts…evidently Santa Royale is just up the road a piece from Malibu, where Charlie Harper (Charlie Sheen) holds forth in the hit CBS comedy “Two and a Half Men”.   I guess imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Oh, and the title?  CC’s irrepressible Dingo notes from the badly-concealed loathing between Mary and Charley in Panel Two:

I’m sorry but the only way for two people to have that much contempt for each other is if they’ve slept together at some point in the past. Maybe he yanked her pearls at the moment of orgasm sending her breasts flying into porcelain swans. Maybe she commented on his “size.” Either way, these two bumped ugly in the night and Delilah had better watch out.

Well, maybe so…

Still, when passions like these diverge, there’s usually no hope for a cordial relationship, much less a friendly one:

Of course, the week plods along, with the highlight being the exchange of telephone numbers.

Normally, this would be IT in a typical Mary Worth storyline, but the appearance of Charley Smith and Mary’s knee-jerk reaction to him is pure, unadulterated Joy.  Well, probably adulterated, in Charley’s case.  Anyway…go, Charley, go!

Stop Mary Worth!

It’s roughly the same thing.  Although I have no love for Delilah “I’m so unhappy with my husband galavanting all over the world for his work, but I can’t talk to him about it,” the past three weeks has been a Worthian Brow-Beating Bonanza, with Mary turning every conversation back to Delilah reconciling with Lawrence:

“Mary, we’re out of toilet paper.”
“Maybe it’s a sign that you and Lawrence should wipe the slate clean and begin again.”

The two have finally ventured out of Mary’s condo for a walk around Charterstone:

“I’d forgotten how lovely Charterstone is, Mary!”
“No less lovely than your love for Lawrence, and his love for you.  Have you forgotten that, too?”

Fortunately, they run into “Charley,” apparently an old flame of Delilah’s, much to Delilah’s delight and Mary’s consternation:

[Our guest-star who is wisely telling Mary to blow it out her ear is one of the cheerleading judges from Judge Parker, dressing down one of the hateful cheerleading moms.]

“Mmmm, I’d love to get in Charley’s pants again.”
“Like when you rifle Lawrence’s pockets for spare change, Delilah?”
“Oh, just shut up and die, Mary.”
“Like your marriage with Lawrence seems to be dying?”

Woo hoo! It’s coming up on Sophie’s cheerleading tryouts…it’s been building ALL week, and there’s a full-color Sunday spread to show her amazing athletic prowess!

Her sparkling self-confidence!

Her bright smile and innovative moves!

What do you mean, “she’s already performed.”?  We’re not going to see anything?

Fine.  Be that way.

We’ll just imagine the worst.

No matter the subject matter, Mark Trail manfully wades into the fray, teaching all of us about the natural world, its creatures and its habitats.   The least we can do is listen quietly and not act like a pack of hyperactive howler monkeys.

I’m looking at you, Rusty.

Well, the Keanes come through on the all-American holiday, chowing down on all-American food and doing all-American things.  The original was published on 4 July 2009, and you can tell by the flag that it was ‘specially created for Indepence Da

The holiday weekend is still alive in Bil and Thel’s mind as they take their brood out to the park, choosing a lovely picnic site directly over an ant colony.  Fortunately, there are only 41 ants in the colony, not counting the queen, so what’s an errant bite here or there?

Unless the ants are the size of terriers! Aaaaiiiiiiiiiyyyy!

I’m sure everyone has already made their plans for the 4th — it’s on a Saturday this year, so you can go out of town, attend a really big blow-out event, all sorts of things.

If, however, you have no prospects (or life), there’s always one more Chinet plate at this one, and it has your name on it! Oh, and the people you’ll meet!

It seems those barrels of toxic waste from the Williams Chemical Company are being dumped in Lost Forest by an unscrupulous waste-removal firm, with dubious links to the gambling community.

Yes, evidently LoFo has a gambling community. And Joey, one of the owners of WCC, is so far in debt that contracting with this waste-removal firm is the only way of preventing him having his acorns removed. If you know what I mean.

As Joey reveals this terrible secret to his sister, a local squirrel hears his confession and reacts with a nigh-on rabid response. Part of the gambling mob? Or a member of the anti-gambling grassroots movement? It’s hard to say with squirrels.

Still, gambling is a fact of life and a source of income in many communities, even in LoFo, where Johnny Malotte’s “We Gonna Win Big Now” casino packs ’em in nightly (from 5:30 until 8 or so, although it stays open all the way until 10 on Fridays and Saturdays). And Johnny makes sure that his guests don’t “overdo” it by posting reminders to game responsibly:

I have no idea what’s going on in the current storyline for The Phantom. I think Kit is trying to prevent an assassination. If that’s the case, then he’s probably whaling on the bad guy — but, geez! He’s doing it with such grace! Such style! Such elan…if that guy weren’t getting the crap kicked and punched out of him, he’d probably agree with me! Don’t stop ’til you get enough, Kit!

And still, I wasn’t quite “happy” with Kit’s Jazz Hands. Practice, practice, practice, right?

As if the current Mary Worth storyline isn’t turgid enough, with Delilah agonizing over leaving her husband (not too convincingly) and Mary pointing out all the swell parts in the marriage (not too convincingly), a minor detour becomes Something of Great Interest.

Delilah gives Mary a CD of Rodgers and Hammerstein music. Okay, nice hostess gift. But then the conversation turns to R&H! Mary’s own words: “Rodgers and Hammerstein has a rare, otherworldly quality.”

HUH?

Folks at the Comics Curmudgeon speculated on what Mary might find catchy or less esoteric (someone suggested gamelan with theremin accompaniment). Still others felt the need to contribute to the Mary Worth songbook, desecrating the otherworldliness of several tunes from Oklahoma (and no, Santa Royale just doesn’t scan. I tried.).

Old School Allie Cat and Sequitur start off with “Oh, Mary’s Ranting Is Boring”:

There’s a bright golden haze on the meddle,
There’s a bright golden haze on the meddle,
The bullshit’s as high as an elephant’s eye
And it looks like Delilah is going to cry!

Oh Mary’s ranting is boring!
Oh her advice is so lame!
“You should just go back to Lawrence!
It’ll be better that way.”

All the snarkers are laughing at Mary
All the snarkers toss cracks at Delilah
Mary wants to feed snacks and show off her wares
But it’s just an old plate of those pink salmon squares!

Oh Mary’s ranting is boring!
Oh her advice is so lame!
“You should just go back to Lawrence!
It’ll be better that way.”

Followed by yours truly’s “Casserole with the Chips on the Top”:

Wilbur ‘n’ Toby ‘n’ Jeff better scurry
When Mary Worth leaves her place in a hurry
When Mary leaves her place in a flurry
With her sal-mon squares!

Drew ‘n’ Dawn ‘n’ Chinbeard all worry
Another party with Mary as jury
And judge and meddler — what else? The old Fury,
Plus her sal-mon squares!

The canned meat’s pink, the crust is quite brown
The platter’s genuine Melmac
The flavor is something that you can’t keep down
Thank God there’s a Dumpster out in back

Mary simpers and preens while she’s blinkin’
“Ain’t no better pot-luck I’m thinkin’
“All these folks better thank me I’m thinkin’
“Or they’ll get a Glare

“‘Cuz I’ve gone to so much trouble
“For my sal-mon squares!”

And concluding with Charterstoned’s touching “Poor Aldo’s Dead”:

Aldo is dead,
Poor Aldo is dead,
He drove his car too fast along the road
And he sailed into the air
‘Cause the guardrail wasn’t there.
Above him now the grass has just been mowed.

Oh, right. There’s a mashup, too!

You say something just a little snarky about the Cruise from Hell storyline not being rip-roaring and spine-tingling (I think I said “a wee bit boring”), and we’re switching gears, or boats, or ponies, in mid-Caribbean. And boy, does THIS storyline look boring!

Maybe if Becka strutted around in revealing outfits….

We need a savior, and I think June fits the bikini bill!

Meanwhile, June isn’t the only one miffed about this turn of events: