Snark It Up, FuzzBall!

I think I’ll start a collection of comic books that feature comic strip characters who boldly made the jump out of newsprint (okay, so this was back in the 50s and 60s, but hey).

Mark Trail is a natural:  a comic book with nature stuff is kind of like toting around a bigger, flimsier copy of a Peterson bird guide or a Stebbens herpetology guide:

We’ve  already seen a Rex Morgan publication on behalf of public health issues (I’m sure something like this was given away free):

But then there were Rex Morgan comics that required payment and seem to have dealt with private health matters:

Leading up to the ultimate,  save-your-allowance-for-this-kids! comic book:

Ah, the good old days!

Finally! Out of the summer sun, the heady, fresh air, and away from that dreadful Charley Smith! At last Mary and Delilah can talk calmly  and reasonably, like two adults, about the very same crap they’ve been hashing over for the last three weeks! O rapture!

I think if Mary’s going to have any influence on Delilah, she needs to treat the girl like one of Rex Morgan’s patients — do NOT let her wander off! Outdoors! Particularly by herself!

I know you love to worry and fret Mary, but there needs to be a little less theoretical hand-wringing and a little more hands-on grabbing and holding on tight and maybe some ropes involvement, too.

Oh, yeah, trust your own instincts, not some Canadian busy body — remember:  Meddle in the U.S.A.!

Still, maybe this distraction on Mary’s part has a deeper meaning:

You know, sometimes a happy ending (well, the kind Mary Worth is angling for) just isn’t possible.

(Well, Wolverine is tres cool.  We just saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine at the cheap seats  (one thin buck after 9 PM!)…mmmmmmm.)

Everyone has a little mutant in them; sometimes he just needs a mentor to help let it out. Or talk. Or make fun of a current storyline.  Like “Horndog” and Wolverine.

Or Meddler and Wolverine.

[Yes, you really DO see Hugh’s ass in Wolverine!]

Sure, Sabertooth might be Logan’s brother, but it’s a very obscure fact that Ian Cameron (aka, “Narwhal”) is a distant cousin.

Kind of like the real X-Men, the number of mutants is staggering, particularly at Charterstone (it’s like Professor X’s Home for Craptacular Mutants), including the lovely Toby Cameron, aka “Velour”:

And last but not least, a one-time denizen finds her way back, lost and confused.  So much for being a smarty-pants, eh, “Prodigy”?

Meanwhile, Mary (“Meddler”) just loses it altogether…

…I’m a mashup whore.

I like to think I’m loyal to Rex Morgan (“if I were on a desert island and could only mash one comic strip” sort of thing), but gee whiz, when an exciting, multi-layered, June-bikinied storyline is usurped by unhappily-married young couple, I start looking elsewhere.

Sometimes Judge Parker is fun, particularly when the temperatures are on the rise and shameless hussies like Dixie Julep and Godiva Danube (and even Det. Roberts) are va-va-vooming around.

And while Mary Worth‘s recent plots have been yawners, THIS is how to do an unhappily-married couple!  Throw in an old flame who threatens to trample the last threads of the marriage AND give Mary a stroke! I <3 you, Charley!

Still, Mary is not one to go down without a fight.  Delilah’s welfare was entrusted to her (not that anyone asked, mind you)…

[Ice cream truck courtesy of Crankshaft, whose only redeeming feature has been the appearance of Le Chat Bleu’s earthly-plane counterpart, Barney the DEATH CAT!!]

Mary does have her limits, however.  In the 10 July 2009 strip, her mental prowess fails her at last, and she physically pulls Delilah away from Charley! (Several have speculated that this is known as “Full Contact Meddling.”)

AS IF! Delilah is far too enchanting, and Charley way too horny, to allow a little “yank the skank” (to quote CC’s eloquent Vakar) to get in the way.  And then there’s Chinbeard’s surly cousin to consider…

Come on…the hair with a messy center part, the oily smile, the smarmy dialog (not even mine!), the boldly-striped, casual shirts…evidently Santa Royale is just up the road a piece from Malibu, where Charlie Harper (Charlie Sheen) holds forth in the hit CBS comedy “Two and a Half Men”.   I guess imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Oh, and the title?  CC’s irrepressible Dingo notes from the badly-concealed loathing between Mary and Charley in Panel Two:

I’m sorry but the only way for two people to have that much contempt for each other is if they’ve slept together at some point in the past. Maybe he yanked her pearls at the moment of orgasm sending her breasts flying into porcelain swans. Maybe she commented on his “size.” Either way, these two bumped ugly in the night and Delilah had better watch out.

Well, maybe so…

Still, when passions like these diverge, there’s usually no hope for a cordial relationship, much less a friendly one:

Of course, the week plods along, with the highlight being the exchange of telephone numbers.

Normally, this would be IT in a typical Mary Worth storyline, but the appearance of Charley Smith and Mary’s knee-jerk reaction to him is pure, unadulterated Joy.  Well, probably adulterated, in Charley’s case.  Anyway…go, Charley, go!

Stop Mary Worth!

It’s roughly the same thing.  Although I have no love for Delilah “I’m so unhappy with my husband galavanting all over the world for his work, but I can’t talk to him about it,” the past three weeks has been a Worthian Brow-Beating Bonanza, with Mary turning every conversation back to Delilah reconciling with Lawrence:

“Mary, we’re out of toilet paper.”
“Maybe it’s a sign that you and Lawrence should wipe the slate clean and begin again.”

The two have finally ventured out of Mary’s condo for a walk around Charterstone:

“I’d forgotten how lovely Charterstone is, Mary!”
“No less lovely than your love for Lawrence, and his love for you.  Have you forgotten that, too?”

Fortunately, they run into “Charley,” apparently an old flame of Delilah’s, much to Delilah’s delight and Mary’s consternation:

[Our guest-star who is wisely telling Mary to blow it out her ear is one of the cheerleading judges from Judge Parker, dressing down one of the hateful cheerleading moms.]

“Mmmm, I’d love to get in Charley’s pants again.”
“Like when you rifle Lawrence’s pockets for spare change, Delilah?”
“Oh, just shut up and die, Mary.”
“Like your marriage with Lawrence seems to be dying?”

I’m sure everyone has already made their plans for the 4th — it’s on a Saturday this year, so you can go out of town, attend a really big blow-out event, all sorts of things.

If, however, you have no prospects (or life), there’s always one more Chinet plate at this one, and it has your name on it! Oh, and the people you’ll meet!

As if the current Mary Worth storyline isn’t turgid enough, with Delilah agonizing over leaving her husband (not too convincingly) and Mary pointing out all the swell parts in the marriage (not too convincingly), a minor detour becomes Something of Great Interest.

Delilah gives Mary a CD of Rodgers and Hammerstein music. Okay, nice hostess gift. But then the conversation turns to R&H! Mary’s own words: “Rodgers and Hammerstein has a rare, otherworldly quality.”

HUH?

Folks at the Comics Curmudgeon speculated on what Mary might find catchy or less esoteric (someone suggested gamelan with theremin accompaniment). Still others felt the need to contribute to the Mary Worth songbook, desecrating the otherworldliness of several tunes from Oklahoma (and no, Santa Royale just doesn’t scan. I tried.).

Old School Allie Cat and Sequitur start off with “Oh, Mary’s Ranting Is Boring”:

There’s a bright golden haze on the meddle,
There’s a bright golden haze on the meddle,
The bullshit’s as high as an elephant’s eye
And it looks like Delilah is going to cry!

Oh Mary’s ranting is boring!
Oh her advice is so lame!
“You should just go back to Lawrence!
It’ll be better that way.”

All the snarkers are laughing at Mary
All the snarkers toss cracks at Delilah
Mary wants to feed snacks and show off her wares
But it’s just an old plate of those pink salmon squares!

Oh Mary’s ranting is boring!
Oh her advice is so lame!
“You should just go back to Lawrence!
It’ll be better that way.”

Followed by yours truly’s “Casserole with the Chips on the Top”:

Wilbur ‘n’ Toby ‘n’ Jeff better scurry
When Mary Worth leaves her place in a hurry
When Mary leaves her place in a flurry
With her sal-mon squares!

Drew ‘n’ Dawn ‘n’ Chinbeard all worry
Another party with Mary as jury
And judge and meddler — what else? The old Fury,
Plus her sal-mon squares!

The canned meat’s pink, the crust is quite brown
The platter’s genuine Melmac
The flavor is something that you can’t keep down
Thank God there’s a Dumpster out in back

Mary simpers and preens while she’s blinkin’
“Ain’t no better pot-luck I’m thinkin’
“All these folks better thank me I’m thinkin’
“Or they’ll get a Glare

“‘Cuz I’ve gone to so much trouble
“For my sal-mon squares!”

And concluding with Charterstoned’s touching “Poor Aldo’s Dead”:

Aldo is dead,
Poor Aldo is dead,
He drove his car too fast along the road
And he sailed into the air
‘Cause the guardrail wasn’t there.
Above him now the grass has just been mowed.

Oh, right. There’s a mashup, too!

Don’t tell me that Mary Worth doesn’t look for a silver lining!

After spending the entire pool party talking about Delilah (rather than Mary and Toby shucking their duds and joining the rest of the Charterstone denizens in an impromptu skinny-dip and community grope-fest*), the Big Day Arrives, and Delilah walks through the door!

Omnem dimittite spem, o vos intrantes.

* Yes, I threw up in my mouth a little as I was writing this.

Speaking of throwing up…